Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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