Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
did i walk over a car last night?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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