I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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