No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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