My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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