Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
