I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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