found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
