You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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