You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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