Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
