Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
