On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
