There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
