I could make wine with my vomit
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
