Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
