And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
