We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
