My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
