I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
