I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
