Your face is a jimmy john
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
