so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
