I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
