so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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