I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
