What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
not ubering you a puppy
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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