so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Did I show you my penis last night?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I don't deserve a penis
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
