Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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