I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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