dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
