My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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