If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
She's like a pop up book from hell.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
