It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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