You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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