I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
