i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
