I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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