On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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