Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
