How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
