I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
