i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
