I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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