What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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