Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
