i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
