Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
