Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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