dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
