Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
