Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
