mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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