Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
