we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
