Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
