fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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